Smooth Runnings 4

Merrise finally managed to extract our UPS shipment from Air Jamaica cargo on Friday, but then had to pay around £30 to have it delivered. So much for the door-to-door service I paid for. The dog continues to grow at an alarming rate and there are now fears that her father was a Great Dane.
The relative lack of action in real time means that I can return to our family trip around the spas of Jamaica I last blogged about on November 13.
If you can recall, we were planning to tour the island, visiting as many spas as possible. We set off from Montego Bay, leaving the delights of Doctor's Cave Beach, after lunch the following day driving almost due south towards Black River on the south coast. After passing miles of rich farmland in the interior of the island, the final stretch along a lonely, winding shoreline to Milk River was quite eerie. The pitted limestone rocks and desolate cacti at the side of the road began to assume strange, exotic shapes in the fading afternoon light. It began to feel as if we were travelling back in time and the first sighting of Milk River Mineral Bath confirmed this feeling. It's a fine 19th-century colonial structure, with the dining room and bedrooms on the first floor, surrounded by a wide veranda. The baths are on the ground floor: nine blue doors open into narrow cavern-like rooms, with steps down to a private, mini pool, into which flows the mineral spring. Inevitably, the first thing we did after a hot day in the car was dump our bags in the rooms (en-suite with a big bed, a big old air con unit and an even bigger old telly) and jump into a bath.
The water is crystal clear, pleasantly warm and has a strong saline taste. Dr Phillippo reports that Savory and Moore of London had analysed the water, revealing the following constituents: "Chloride of sodium, sulphate of soda, chloride of magnesium, chloride of potassium, and chloride of calcium, besides traces of lithia, iodine, bromine and silica. These constituents with its temperature of 92 deg place this spring among the thermal calcic waters of Hamburg, Weisbaden, Kassingen, Bourbonne, Schlangenbad, Gastein and Kranznach. It has the soapy unctuous feel that characterises the Schlangenbad and the warm springs of Virginia, imparting to the skin a velvet smoothness to the touch which continues after leaving the bath."
After what seemed like only a few minutes of floating blissfully in the water, a rude knocking at the door reminded us that guests are only allowed to bathe for 20 minutes at a time ("de watah so powerful, y'see," explained the attendant). We withdrew to the dining room to examine the effect of the first dip. No question: we felt a distinct smoothness. Velvety smooth, in fact.
We spent most of the mealtime involuntarily caressing our bare arms and shoulders to reconfirm the 'velvety feel'. Meals, it has to be said, are not Milk River's strongest point. The menu has a determinedly Jamaican solidness - cornmeal porridge at breakfast, yam, banana and rice with the evening meal. I found myself, in Phillippo-esque mode complaining to my wife Merrise: "If only they had a really creative, more health conscious, Jamaican chef here - imagine, fresh fruit juices, lobster with green pawpaw and chillies . . ."
The following day, fortified by a substantial breakfast of banana porridge, ackee and salt fish with fried dumplings and a helping of calaloo, we decided to get some exercise. After bathing early we set off for the nearby Farquar's beach. "How far to the beach?" I asked a young boy who came past on a bicycle. "About eight chains," he replied. "How many chains to a mile?" I asked. None of us knew. "Isn't a chain the length of a cricket pitch?" I asked no one in particular. The use of such long-abandoned (in the rest of the world, anyway) units of measurement emphasised the other-worldliness of this part of Jamaica. We passed some fishermen's cottages, with a few men sitting around mending their lobster pots. The ambience was completely tranquil. Everyone said "Good morning" and no one begged any money - although most of the residents looked as if they could do with a few extra dollars. The beach was deserted save for 30 or so fishing boats, all pulled well clear of the water. On the way back we noticed a tree with what appeared to be a huge outpouring of flickering blossom. Closer inspection revealed it to be a bush covered by hundreds of butterflies. Nearer the hotel we saw a sign saying 'Beware of the crocodiles'. The girls rushed back into the hotel, keen to take another dip in the baths.